Friday, August 14, 2020

It Is Not Your Fault

 

“It is not your fault that they did not treat you well.

It is not your fault that they do not like you.

It is not your fault that they hurt you.

It is not your fault that you had to leave.”


I experienced rejection so many times and I always keep telling myself, “Dayan, wala kang kasalanan”.

I always try my best to make other people like me, but I failed so many times. When I was young, I really love to play outside with other kids, but they don’t like playing with me. I remember someone told me, “Ayaw ka namin kakampi, di ka naman marunong, saka ang hina mo, matatalo lang kami dahil sayo”. A high school classmate also once told me, “Hindi ko gusto boses mo, ang arte.” I even had a boss before who never gets tired of scolding me in front of my workmates and throws some stuff in front of me. And a year and months ago, I have friends who ignores me, and I don’t know the reason why.  

There were relationships that need to end, but we must understand that it doesn’t mean that we have not done enough, or we are not good enough. We just need to accept the truth that not everyone will like us for who we are, that not all things will work the way we want it to be, and not everything that we thought are good will end up good. Looking back at all the rejections I’ve been through, I finally learned how to let people go: I decided not to play with our neighbors; I decided not to talk to my classmate who hates my voice; I left my job; and I decided to accept that my friends are now strangers to me.

I understand that choosing to leave was difficult. But it is more difficult to stay and pretend that we are okay. 

..when we try to fit in, but we don’t belong.. when we changed ourselves for the benefit of others but still we end up being wrong and alone..

I know that you are resilient, powerful, and brave, but when you feel that you’re already broken, then the best thing you can do for your self was to leave.

You may feel alone after that but soon you’ll find the person who will accept you and will give you a lot of reasons to stay. In my case, my sisters became my playmates even though my neighbors refused to play with me; my high school classmate apologized to me before we graduated and told me that she realized that I was nice and she was wrong for judging me; I am already working for 6 years with my present employer and never did I experienced my boss treated me the way I was treated before; and now I am gaining new friends despite of losing some of my old friends.

Life doesn’t stop after we chose to leave. We all deserve to be happy.

Sunday, September 29, 2019

Goodbye 29


A few minutes from now, I’ll be saying goodbye to being a 29-year old girl and will start a new chapter as a 30-year old woman. I still can’t believe that another decade of my life is about to end. I’m old now. And I felt like I have never accomplished anything great in my life yet. It is as if I was just starting to learn how to live life all over again, but with a different perspective.

This past decade, I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs. I experienced almost everything I never imagined. Miracle, depression, failure, success, excitement, fear, being adventurous, being in love, being cheated, being alone, and a lot more. And I am thankful for all those experiences coz I’ll never be this strong without it. But still, I felt that there are still missing…

I regret the times when I thought I have nothing, but as I open my eyes again, I realized that I just forget that there are a lot around me that I didn’t seem to notice. I have my family and a few close friends who never left me when I needed them the most. It was just my choice to make things and decisions on my own.

And now, everything I made in the past becomes a memory. Those tiring times when you have to go through a lot of obstacles where you sometimes win and most of the time you lose. Everything was part of the journey.

I’m not yet sure again what my future will be when I turn 30. I still don’t have the confidence yet to face more challenges. But every time I’m unsure and losing hope, I should always remember to look at my feet. Coz those feet are the ones who carried me this far. And I shouldn’t forget to take a look at everything I’ve planted and invested in the past coz soon, those plants will surely sprout around me.

Again, Good bye 29 J and Thank you so much for all the memories J

Saturday, September 21, 2019

I Love You, But We’re Not Meant to be

I was known for being attracted to a lot of people. From those that I am closed with up to the random strangers I met while walking outside or while riding in a jeepney. I like them because there was something in them that makes me smile; their good looks, their talent, their nice attitude and a lot more. But liking was far different from loving. Loving is deeper, more critical and most of the time, more painful. However, finding love was never easy... and finding someone to love you back is harder...

I love you but you don’t love me

I have the tendency to give back when something was given to me. At least equal or more of what I can. But when it comes to love, I used to give without getting anything in return. Coz I simply love being in love. It is when the most complicated things in your life become less worrisome because you tend to put away your problems behind and choose love instead as your priority in life. But the fun of loving someone can turn out as the most hurtful thing you’ve done in the end. Coz it was only you who loves, only you who gives too much time and only you gives too much effort to work it out. Imagine how difficult it is to return something you didn’t receive.  And then you just choose to disconnect and find how you again as a circle can fit in a box. You become more desperate, more obsessed...

Soul searching

My story on finding love and giving up on someone never ends. After being hurt, I love again... and again... and again...
Even if they love me back, they tend to leave... And I’m left hanging...
But soon when the right time comes, I’ll be able to find him...
Coz he didn’t gave up on searching for his true love, coz he’s looking for me too...
His soul mate... My forever...

Sunday, September 15, 2019

My Letter to You who Spend a lot of Time Apologizing


I was thinking why do you think that it was always your fault every time you are in a fight? Ganon nalang ba kababa tingin mo sa sarili mo? Na sa tingin mo, wala ka laging ginagawang tama? Or iniisip mo lagi na kailangan mong i-pleased lahat ng tao sa paligid mo? Na kaya pag nagalit or nagtampo sila, ikaw lagi ang hihingi ng tawad? If you answered YES sa lahat ng tanong ko, then there’s really something wrong with you. I’m not saying na maling magsabi ng sorry. If you know that may nagawa kang mali, then say it. But if ikaw naman yung unang nasaktan, it wasn’t your fault already. Tama diba? Di ka naman masasaktan kung hindi ka sinaktan. Pero bakit ikaw pa yung hihingi ng tawad? Para maging maayos na lang ang lahat? Hindi laging ganyan ang solusyon sa mga ganitong klaseng problema. The other person should know their mistakes too. They should show you how sorry they are too. If they don’t, then you’re not helping them, instead you’re just tolerating them to hurt you again. Iisipin nila na, “ay okay lang pala sa kanya na gawin ko ‘to, kase hindi ko naman mali pag nasaktan sya, kasalanan nya na yon.” Ganito ba yung gusto mong isipin nila sayo? Oo nalang kase mahal mo? Isa kang malaking tanga. 

How other people turn the situation around to make you look like the bad guy even if you are the one who’s angry because the other person hurt you. Yung mga pa-victim palagi. Sabagay, sino bang hindi matinong taong aamin sa kasalanan nila? Yung willing nila i-sacrifice yung iba para sa kaligayahan nila, para sa sarili nila. Diba ang selfish? Tapos hahayaan mo nalang, magso-sorry ka nalang para matapos nalang ang usapan? Isa kang malaking tanga. 

When other people always blame you for what was happening, mag-isip isip ka na po. These people don’t and cannot love you. The real person who cares are those who can accept you as who you are; those who never blame you for any mistake that you do and you don’t do; yung kaya kang mahalin nang hindi mo kailangang i-sakripisyo yung sarili mo para maging maayos lang kayo. 

Kaya please, STOP saying sorry, STOP feeling guilty, and STOP begging. Hindi ka laging mali, dahil sa taong mahal ka, ikaw ang isa sa mga tanging naging tama sa buhay nya.

Cheering you on,  
Me :)

It Is Not Your Fault

  “It is not your fault that they did not treat you well. It is not your fault that they do not like you. It is not your fault that they...